I don't know. This will need editing.

Tomorrow, I start my career in education. Well, maybe I shouldn't call it a "career," because all I'm doing is volunteering at a pre-school. It's called Mainspring, and it's a place for children ages 0 through 4 years old who are placed under free (or almost free) care, because they come from underprivileged families. I meet with a woman named Margaret Silverberg at 9 a.m. and to be honest, I'm pretty nervous. I've only worked at a place like this once in the past, and it was something of a traumatic experience (that story's for a different time though). Anyway, children now make me nervous and I'm worried that I'm going to screw it up or hate it. I'm not sure what's worse.

For the past 4 months, I've been searching for a job. I attended a liberal arts university and got my B.A. in Art History and Communications in May. I have applied for jobs at museums, retailers, grocers, law firms, hospitals, abortion clinics, and video game manufacturers. Most of the positions I applied for were "entry level," which in this economy usually requires 3-5 years of experience in a related field. So far, I haven't landed a job in any of these places because my experience is either not relevant enough or not lengthy enough. Finally, my parents made a visit to Austin to discuss my "future." Great. My mom, who has been a teacher for over 20 years, encouraged me to apply to Alternative Teaching Certification programs. So, why not? I have always wanted to teach abroad, and this should be my first step. A little experience will be good for me. I can use my creativity for good.

But lately, I've felt less and less creative. I feel discouraged because I haven't found a job and I feel as if nothing that I do is good enough, or worth any of my time or anyone else's. I used to care so much about helping those in need, but I'm continuously giving less of a fuck about anyone or anything. We'll see.

UPDATE:

I woke up at 10 a.m. this morning - about an hour before my usual greeting time as of late. For some reason, the bed felt better than it ever had this morning. I just had to keep freshly shaven legs on those covers for a little bit longer - 30 minutes, no, 45, no, an hour longer than my first alarm. It is a problem that I can reset my alarm multiple times on my iPhone each morning, as I obviously take advantage of this feature almost every morning nowadays. Like clockwork myself, I awoke and immediately went about my 'strict' morning routine: brush teeth, (maybe) wash my face, pour out some raisin bran in a hefty bowl, maybe grab a banana or some yogurt, head back upstairs to my room and begin watching Netflix. The episodes go one after the other and my ear filters out the boring stuff while I browse the web. I mindlessly click the same site over and over, accidentally forgetting that I had just clicked on it not 5 minutes ago. I laugh occasionally at Amy Poehler's ridiculous lines on Parks and Recreation, or glance up and stare intensely at my iPad to see Heisenberg rampaging across the scene of Breaking Bad. If I get uncomfortable, I sometimes stand up on my heavy legs and stretch a little bit. Wait, how did I end up back on reddit? Just then, seriously.

I did not volunteer at Mainspring because I was too lazy, but luck was in my favor on Monday because Hudson Bend Middle School called me that same day for an interview. I just went in for it at 1 p.m., and it went pretty well. I need to work on my interviewing skills though because I was nervous the whole time and now I'm hoping it wasn't too obvious. I interviewed for a receptionist position in the front office.

What's my fuck-up batting average?

Well, the fact that this is just about my second post on this blog and it is currently February might be a signal that my batting average is quite high. I have an entire list of goals for the year, and I have accomplished none of them so far. However, I will try not dwell on this fact, because the podcast I've been tuning into encourages me (as a person with ADHD) to acknowledge my fuck-ups but then continue an inward discussion focused on moving forward, which is more productive.

This week was a long and difficult one. I worry that every week/day seems that way lately, and that maybe my depression is worsening. I feel somewhat trapped inside myself - like my ADHD thoughts have become more and more sporadic, and less and less easy to control. I asked myself, "Who am I in relation to this world? Where am I, what am I, and why do I feel as if I should be ten feet taller, so maybe I could gain more control over this chaos? What the FUCK am I going to do after graduation? I want to do everything. At once."

However, this beautiful Friday morning gave my soul the good lifting it needed. Today, I visited a school in Austin called the Waldorf School. I am part of a class (in my final year of undergrad education) called Innovative Schools. I am not an education major, and aside from the information my mother (who is a teacher) has divulged over the years, I do not know much about education. However, it seemed like an interesting class and an appropriate choice for this day and age in which the U.S.'s education system struggles more and more.

My Innovative Schools class wakes up SUPER early every other Friday to go on a field trip to a nearby school that is considered "innovative" in some way. After visiting three schools, I have gathered that the phrase "innovative school" includes schools, either public or private, which employ different, creative, and inventive forms of education for secondary-level students. The Waldorf school was located in a financially "privileged" part of Austin, on a secluded woods property. As I pulled into the long driveway of the school's parking lot, through the towering trees and still under the gray light of the breaking dawn, my hazy stupor was immediately broken when I saw a sign pointing to the school's tree house.

WHAT? This school is awesome already.

We walked over a rocky bridge and underneath a gentle canopy of evergreens, and approached a humble, single-story wooden building with the doors wide open, as if to welcome any guests - forest friends or otherwise. I felt comfortable and instantly soothed as we cramped into the tiny building; the walls were painted a soft pink, the staff all wore scarves or loose pants with their hair curly and flowing or short, with an androgynous edge. The teachers and staff seemed completely 'at home,' settled with themselves and their current positions. The woman who gave us the tour had an awkward, thinly trimmed shoulder haircut and wore a lumpy combination of khaki-cargo-capri pants, a white fleece hiking vest over a black 3/4 sleeve blouse and tennis shoes. Yes, this combination did catch my eye and bother me a little bit, but who cares? She didn't seem to, and who am I to judge? She was way more comfortable with herself than I am.

Moving forward, our class left the administration building and followed our tour guide through the woods, stepping on carefully-placed stones and stopped in the middle of what seemed to be just a peaceful meditation ground. To our left was a wooden fort that was built by the fifth-graders, their teachers and their parents. To our right - a fountain  in which water flowed melodically down four levels of concave stones. The teacher explained that lessons are taught there so that students are able to engage and situate their bodies in accordance with the earth. Any subject could be taught that way - physics, art, math, etc. Students are constantly acknowledging the sense of "self" at Waldorf.

After observing an eighth grade class lecture (more like a French Revolution story-time), our class was lead to the fine arts building. Each room embodied a different narrative that was displayed through the paint on the wall; one music room was painted in gradation from peach to purple to light pink, to represent the personal journey each student has from birth to high school graduation. We sat in a room that was painted like a sunset and discussed the education system at Waldorf with the teacher a little further. I have reflected upon our discussion for an assignment, and maybe I'll share that later. My concern or question or contemplation or whatever it is from my behaviors and reactions to Waldorf and our class discussion is my focus here.

In art history, I have often studied gender representations, which includes situating the "feminine" or "female form" within popular culture and modern society. Where then, is my gendered and intellectual body? I know that this is an ancient question, which is normally asked when one is going through puberty, but this question is not sexual in nature. It is more of an academic and philosophical pursuit that I may never have a palpable answer to. I wish though, that I could know the answer, because life would probably be a lot easier that way. I think that as a person, I am too chaotic and malleable to my ever-changing surroundings that my "self" cannot be defined by means of gendered or age-specific choices or journeys.

My reaction to the Waldorf school and my inability to stay still the entire time or directly focus upon the information being spouted about the school confused and frightened me, but also gave me insight into my most honest being. Waldorf has an arts and crafts center, and everything there is underscored by artistic creativity and invention. (Knitting is used as an early form of learning math, I kid you not.) I believe that my inward self was so excited and intrigued by this spa/summer-camp-like institution that she could hardly contain her ideas and thoughts for her own artistic potential. As mentioned above, my thoughts are so scattered that I have a high fuck-up batting average. That may partially be because my journey thus far has not included enough stimulation for my truest, most artistic and creative soul. This soul, I think, is my strongest and most vibrant piece of me, and in order to succeed in life and become a balanced self, I must replenish my thirst for the arts. If I were to paint a self-portrait right now, it would most likely include a sunset of some kind, because even though that hippy-dippy school was weird as fuck, the people there are onto something innovative.

The Fun List!

The Fun List:

• build a fort
• start Spanish vocab flashcards
  

I have an enormous collection of these, but they are simply pen on flimsy paper. I would really like to make a nice, visually-stunning set of Spanish flashcards for fun and also to help find my artistic niche.

• do the 30 day happiness challenge

I'm going to make myself start this on February 1st, 2011. Freestyle Mind is a wonderful blog that I follow and am consistently inspired by.

• fill/complete a journal with a daily update
  

This blog counts as my journal.

• take art classes, make big art
  

This will happen over the summer, and I'm so pumped! I'll be applying to Austin Community College summer courses.

• paint my own self-portrait
  

I actually just bought the canvas for this today. The question is: what style will this be in? I'll have to draw it out first, then explore my options...I'll give myself one week for that part.

• read every book I own, without buying anything new

This will definitely be a challenge, as I have both a book-buying problem and a lot of books to read in my little library under the stairs.

• watch 100 black-and-white movies
  

I will update this list as it takes form!

• become fluent in Spanish
  

I am so close to this goal. I just need a little time in a foreign country to do the trick, and a little more conversational help.

• volunteer at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving Day

I wanted to do this in 2010, but plans didn't work out that way. Hopefully this year.

• run for an entire mile without stopping
  

If I can work out every day for 45 minutes, I should be able to do run an entire mile without stopping afterrrrr...6 months? Is that plausible? (I don't run.)

• drive a planned route with stops through Texas
  

Where shall I go? We shall see. I just want to travel and appreciate this big, beautiful state before moving on.

• hold one fun day/evening party before graduation

I've held parties before, but nothing adorable and well-planned like the link above.

• find your signature scent and nail color
  

Today, it dawned on me. I want a scent that smells kind of like tea. I love, LOVE tea. I can't make it through a day without at least one glass of tea. So obviously, my signature scent should match my signature drink. My favorite color is orange, but my skin does not really match that color, so orange as a nail color is out of the question. I really, really would like to step out of the pale-pink box, though, so maybe periwinkle? Hm. Cute!

• attend 10 free Austin events
  

Why have I not done this yet? There are too many of these to count in Austin, and I suck at appearing for these events. No longer!

• attend 10 Austin musical events/shows
  

Again, why have I not?

• design 10 event posters
  

They do not necessarily have to be real events, but designing posters is just another step towards finding my artistic style.

• paint/collage 10 canvases of ideal environments
  

For some reason lately, I have been able to recall my dreams very easily and vividly. My mind creates insane, loopy and daring environments and I think that placing them on paper could be beneficial and interesting.

• make a chair
  

I have always wanted to make a chair, preferably out of wood, but anything works, really.

• make dinner and dessert for close friends
  

We are all about to go our separate ways, so I would really like to have a nice, casual and fun evening of delicious food to cherish these waning moments we have together.

• write and send everyone a birthday card on their birthday

I am not sure why, maybe to keep myself on track, to make up for flakiness committed in the past, or just to be nice, but everyone likes a card on their birthday, and everyone likes getting something in the mail.

Sugar Free

Alright, two posts in one week isn't too bad for me, I guess. BUT I'LL STAY ON TOP OF IT.

Over the break, my mother called me frumpy. It has caused me to lose the shreds of self-esteem I had left, so I am now incredibly aware of my appearance at all times. Is this entirely a bad thing? Maybe not...I know my mother has my best interest at heart and since I constantly think about how possibly terrible I look, I don't look too shabby lately.

I bonded with a friend today about our well-known shabby/frumpy/hippie-ish appearances and although I do like the direction in which my style is going, I am annoyed at the fact that my hippie exterior must deteriorate to do so. However, I now work for the government at my first real, serious job that could turn into a career. Why must everything be so formal? I just want to wear my grungy, plaid/floral/striped/patterned lazy dresses and learn a lot of things from the flowers all in a golden afternoon.

Listography-wise, I am working on both of my lists: serious and fun.

I think that building a fort with the boyfriend will be my first fun goal, while top-notch style and looks, 24/7 seems to be my first serious endeavor of the year.

The fort will be in my backyard, and I will use it for many purposes, including: lounging, drawing, painting, exploring, pondering, writing, studying, reading, listening, and socializing. If I think of any more fort-functions, I will add them to that list.

And of course, 24/7 style and looks is at the top of my 'serious' list because it is now more of a paranoia that lingers like last year's leftovers in the back of my brain. Thanks, Mother. I think I'll use this opportunity to find new fashion inspirations, and post them here. It's time, I guess, to have a more sophisticated style.

What can I do? What can I do-oo-oo?

This is now a blog to hold myself accountable for everything I would like to accomplish before my 23rd birthday, which is December 19, 2011. I have two long lists; one of requirements and one of adventures and fun. I expect myself to check everything off of those lists by the time I turn 23.

By starting this blog, I'll be able to check one off already (as long as I maintain it)!

My listography page will help me to look at all of my lists in one place, but this blog will be a place to update and fill in the experiences that come with each adventure/accomplishment. I'm graduating this year in May, so this is the year to start doing some right for myself. I don't want to get off on the wrong foot, so here goes. Wish me luck, void!

Currently working on: scheduling work and school in planner
Accomplished: nada.